Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
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