Do you still have your period?
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
