your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
