I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Everyone says I win the strip club
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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