I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
