shes about as inviting as chlamydia
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
