i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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