you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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