I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
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