my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
