TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
