I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
You are the jesus of drinking
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
