hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
