Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Randomize
