Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
