I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
