That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
i love accidental penises.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
