My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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