Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
how do flat chested girls get laid?
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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