Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
