she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
