I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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