Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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