Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
You should frame my arrest warrant.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
