I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Holy shit dude........stairs
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
