How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Randomize
