I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
