Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
