just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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