Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
