Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
