I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
