I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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