I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
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