yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
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I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Enjoy the penises
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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