Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
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