My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Randomize
