I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
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I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
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Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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