I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
