Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Randomize
