Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
