I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.