His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
