mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
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I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
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You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.