Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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