He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
the liver wants what the liver wants
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
