im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
