i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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