On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
