Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
