Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
soo... how was my night?
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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