so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
