Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Randomize
