What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Randomize
