She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
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