he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Drunk walkin through police station. America
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Randomize
