Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
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