There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
