if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Randomize
