I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
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i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
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Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
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