hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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