if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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